How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
