OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
