I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
