Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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