happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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