Dude my mom stole all your condoms
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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