i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
