I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
then he tried to convert me to islam
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Those nachos came to me in a dream
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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