And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
