I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
