I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
