You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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