My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
