I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
