let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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