I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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