I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
