Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
