Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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