just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
