have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
