I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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