remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize