You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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