I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
