Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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