so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
