She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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