I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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