nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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