I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
