Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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