my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it glows. i had to have it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
