dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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