I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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