You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
