Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
