Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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