I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
