This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
