Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize