He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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