The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
