eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
