Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
