i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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