did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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