her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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