my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
where are you?
Hypothermia
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
