Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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