I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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