so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
